Feb 22 2009
Is there such a thing as a temporary disconnection?
Have you ever felt that instant connection to someone? That feeling of attraction, whether it’s for romantic reasons or other, that you say to yourself you want further communication with them.
Well I am one firm believer in this. I am one for instant connections, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. If within the first encounter I have smiled or laughed, because of sincerity, then I am looking towards tomorrow. I will not deny the warmth, nor will I hold back on speaking of it, I will tell you that it was a pleasure and that I want to continue this. The connection is so real that it has you repeating the event and smiling back. It has you hoping the other person feels the same. The connection, even if it doesn’t pan out for whatever reasons, will have you look back and hope it someday becomes something more. The connection I’m talking about is not because of desperation. It is because this person was found in the most odd way and despite the history of your love life, has brought you to that place where you find yourself saying things like…where have you been all along…how come I haven’t met you before…I hope you can make this work…I want to know you tomorrow…I want movie dates, dinner dates, summer events…I want to introduce you to my best girlfriend…I want hours and days of intimate passion…I want it all.
So while minding this subject I took a breather and looked to my Bberry. This was when I saw that an hour had passed since Raspy dialed me. My Raspy was a man I met and we hit it off instantly. I met Raspy, out of all places, on the concrete sidewalk of the Bronx. He and I were destined to meet on a wintery evening. As our first conversation came about there was a connection and throughout the gusty weather I felt nothing because I was enthralled with the small talk. As our conversations took place I grew fonder of him. When we spent time together it felt natural. It was something that, although not knowing each other well, it felt like we already did this. Our personalities and our humor were sync. And yet he slowly took steps back, back to the point where his number did not display on my screen for almost a week.
The confusion began at the point where he was exposed. It was something, I’m guessing, he didn’t mean to happen. And as I told him, I already walked that out, I did not make bones about it. I actually was the one to invite the idea of chalking it up to a mishap. Sure I know mistakes happen and whether it was out of spite or of pure accidental terms then this is how I determine tomorrow. Admitting there was shock and disappointment, the incident that caused exposure, was nothing less than what a gal can expect from a single man. So as I took that as mishap, we spoke and chose to move past. Still somewhat pink cheeked he stayed far away. There was an attempt to contact but nothing solid. A missed call here and phone tag later a voicemail was left. The voicemail said after his meeting he would trying calling back…he was absent until this evening.
As the days passing where counted, I would take a look at the Bberry and search thru the activity screen for his missed call, a missed text or anything with his name…and nothing. The funny thing is that once we spoke and wiped all clean it still felt awkward and still I hoped. When we ended the conversation I went back to the text messages. I read what was meant and read between the lines. I read what was actually said. I read the words that he didn’t mean harm, that is was a mistake, that he wasn’t sure what to do next and that he hoped he could see me again. I read what I responded, that I too felt confused. I read that I blatantly said I wanted to continue learning about him. So why did the connection die so quickly? Could it have been all a figment of my imagination? And if we agreed to move forward where was the message construed?
As far as I was concerned the situation was dead and gone. I knew what happened but why exactly we no longer communicated was something I shook my head to. Once the grip on the situation was faced I reluctantly erased the memories, the laughter and the great sex. I knew to move along and let it be. Settled back into the solo life I repeated the task I use as a defensive mechanism - I switched a MUTE ringer to his profile. I would never have to hear the Bberry ring his number. I would never have to hear a text message coming from him…until I noticed the red light going off. I looked thru the Bberry to see all the emails, the text messages, the instant messages that sat unopened. I finally came across a missed call. The attached name shock my butterflies awake. Contemplating on whether to make the call back I took a second and inhaled. I took note of the time and one hour had already passed. What to do I thought to myself. Butterflies going insane I selected the name and dialed Raspy.
The first ring goes out and the mobile phone was answered. Frightened I waited for his greeting…and there it was. Everything I felt came back rushing (had I not ate dinner before the call I would have probably fainted). As I listen to Raspy I silently talked to myself and reminded myself to keep it simple, keep it brief, say little but mean a lot.
Raspy: Hey girl. Wassup, how are you?
TE: Hi Raspy, how are you?
Raspy: I’m good, just ordered dinner, waiting on the delivery. What you been up to?
TE: Hmm, I’m good hun, thanks for asking. Well I had a busy week and finally I’m home and getting started on some work. Wassup?
Raspy: I had my son all weekend. You know, football practice and all that. I figure I call you, I was wondering why I haven’t heard from you in a bit.
TE: (and this is where I reminded him) Well you said you would call me back after your meeting. You never did.
Raspy: Ohh, well I kinda thought you would still be mad about that. I promise that won’t happen again. It was a mistake.
TE: (and this is where I reminded him) Oh that’s nothing Raspy. I already told you I walked that out. I’m not going to sweat that. I won’t be dealing with that anymore.
Raspy: What does that mean? You say you won’t be dealing with it, does that mean you want nothing to do with me? Does that mean you don’t want me to call you?
TE: What that means is that I just won’t anymore. So anyways hun I have to work, I have some editing to do.
Raspy: Okay, yeah, I’m going to get off the phone, gonna wait for my food. Wanna call me when you done?
TE: Okay. I’m not sure what time I’ll be done.
Raspy: Oh okay, I see now you too busy for me. It’s cool, if you don’t want to call then don’t. If you can then call me.
TE: It’s not that, I just don’t know what time. Anyways, I’ll try to call you.
Raspy: Okay, well I have court the 25th of this month.
TE: Sounds good. Talk to you later.
The mobile to mobile is discontinued.
So now what to I do I thought to myself. I quickly referred this question to the two women I can trust. The women that, no matter how much their men drive them crazy, they do not ever offer me men-bashing advice. I was told, by both, yes to follow thru. I was told to make him wait in the meantime. I was advised that if I didn’t do so I wouldn’t have a blog to create from it.
Now exactly what I feel is something I am still sorting out. The initial connection was something so grand that I was able to picture weeks ahead. And now the feeling I have is something that isn’t what I want. Where is it headed is beyond me and I ask myself, has the connection fizzled out?
